For the most part, women aren't getting information about men straight from the source. They're asking other women, listening to so-called relationship experts, and believing statistics.
Nothing is as accurate as asking men what they think and feel.
1. ACTING SWEET TO GET A MAN, THEN CHANGING
"I don't know why women act so sweet during dating and change completely when they know they've got you." --Alvin, computer technician
Of course, men can't expect women to be superwomen who are able to work, cook, clean, and make love with flawless precision. But a woman shouldn't start out playing the superwoman role at the beginning and then change.
It's better to present herself as she is and get it all out in the open. When a woman changes her entire act after the relationship gets going, men feel as though they've been duped. Suddenly, he doesn't know what to believe anymore and feels he can't really trust the woman he thought he knew.
2. NOT GIVING ENOUGH SPACE
"She clings to me because she thinks that every minute I'm not with her I'm fooling around." --Lewis, personal fitness trainer
The "S" word must be used carefully. Some men intentionally abuse the term "I need my space" to ensure that they can have their cake and eat it too--fool around while not giving up what they already have. But not all men are that way.
Most men simply just want some room to be by themselves. Men, just like women, need to feel that they aren't trapped or being held hostage in their lives. From time to time, men want to get away and be alone or hang out with their friends.
But it's a strain on the relationship when women think that a man is being selfish, silly, or making up an excuse to go out and cheat just because he wants some space. The smart woman knows that a man needs his space and doesn't hold it against him. She's confident enough to know that each person needs his/her own space to maintain a healthy relationship.
3. WANTING TOO MANY THINGS
"I'm just a working man. I can't afford a two-story house in the suburbs, a Lexus, a Range Rover, a bunch of credit cards, and kids too." --Jesse, mail courier
Some black men say black women are unrealistic in their expectations and want too much. Of course, wanting a good hardworking man who respects women isn't asking too much. But what about when it goes far beyond that? For some women, having a good man just isn't enough. They also want a Lexus, a two-story home in the suburbs, and a string of credit cards.
When they don't have these things, they moan and complain as though life is terrible. If the man dares to say something about how he's happy with things as they are, he'll be accused of being complacent, lazy, and lacking ambition. It's fine to have goals and want some luxuries. But counting the blessings you already have never hurts either.
4. NOT SAYING WHAT SHE MEANS
"Women expect you to read their minds like a psychic." --Jamal, college student
Men aren't very good mind readers. In fact, we often have difficulty just figuring out what women mean with the words they speak. I think women are far more sophisticated communicators than men; they seem to be more adept at the subtleties of gestures, facial expressions, and body language. Therefore, men and women almost always suffer from communication breakdowns in relationships.
Unfortunately, some women do not express themselves honestly and openly. It seems that they are more apt to use voice inflections and body language to communicate what they mean, even when the actual words they are saying convey the opposite. Take this situation, for example: "No, I don't mind if you go out with your friends instead of taking me to a movie tonight," a woman says, tapping her foot and looking away with her arms folded. Although her mouth is saying quite literally, "No, I don't mind," her body is saying she does mind. Women expect the men in their lives to read their nonverbal cues.
5. THE THREE B'S OF SEX
"I'm going to be straight about it: sex is important to me." --Gene, entrepreneur
Perhaps it would be nice if sex didn't play such a major role in relationships. But for most people, sex is a big part of a relationship. And for men, it's probably more important than it should be. The sexual aggravations of men boil down to the three B's: bad, boring, and the boudoir battle.
Bad sex.
Sex is a learned skill. It's similar to driving a car. Basically, anyone can do it. Some are good at it. And others are experts. But everyone has an idea of what they consider good and bad sex. Common complaints among men are: lack of enthusiasm, lack of rhythm, no creativity, and poor technique. If a person in a relationship is dissatisfied or experiencing sexual dysfunction, it's something that should be openly and honestly discussed. The reasons for sexual dysfunction can be psychological, physiological, ethical, and religious, or a host of other things. If the problems seem insurmountable, the advice of a pastor or therapist may be necessary.
Boring sex
Boring sex is always doing it in the same place, at the same time, and in the same old position. It's when the sex gets to the point that it feels like more of a duty than a desire. Boring sex is when you're going through all the motions but there's no spice or passion involved.
Boudoir battle
Using sex as a weapon doesn't do anything but make a man angry. It can be subtle things such as not being open to touching and cuddling. Or it can be more strategic. It can be the refusal to do certain things in bed. The most brutal form of bedroom battle is outright refusal. Boudoir battle can lead to deep resentment and some men will use it as an excuse to cheat on their wives or girlfriends.
6. CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT OTHER MEN
"She's always talking about this guy at her job and it really pisses me off." --Shawn, corporate executive
Men don't like to hear women constantly talking about other men. It's not necessarily an ego thing. It's just that each man wants to feel special and important to the woman in his life. that is just it. Don't.
7. BEING A DRAMA QUEEN
"She sends calls back all day when I'm at work. Then when I call her back, she just starts whining about some little thing that could've waited until later." --Art, sanitation worker
Drama queens are always whining, pestering, or nagging about something. With them, nothing can ever be right. They pull all kinds of little tricks to get and control a man's attention. If he's watching television, she wants him to get up and put out the trash. When he has time off from work, she tries to plan each hour for him.
8. BEING HARD AND COLD
"I work the graveyard shift so I don't have to be at home with my wife." --Derek, police officer
That response was from a man who had been married less than one year and was already engaged in a cold war with his wife. Most of the time she was openly disrespectful to him as a human being, not just as a man. Other times she was cold and aloof, barely acknowledging that he was in the room. Believe it or not, men have feelings too. Hard and cold behavior is enough to drive anyone away.
9. CHEATING
"They call us dogs, but women are out there fooling around just as much." --Barry, auto mechanic
Some women will maintain that when a woman is cheating it's always the fault of a man. That simply isn't true. Women are human beings and are therefore just as subject to dishonesty and deceit as any man.
Cheating takes two forms. First, there's the obvious form, which is having affairs. But the second way of cheating is mental. It's the subtle art of getting over on him. She may not be fooling around with another man but she may be cheating by fooling around with the checkbook balance. Her body may be faithful, but she may be cheating by playing manipulative games to keep him within her control. Such games rob a man of his energy and creativity and prevent him from realizing his full potential. The truth is that cheating doesn't have to be just about affairs or lovers. Cheating is deception of any kind.
10. ENGAGING IN A POWER STRUGGLE
"I can't stand it when a woman always wants to prove to me that she's smart, tough, and independent." --Lawrence, attorney
It really irritates men when women they're involved with are constantly trying to upstage them. This is especially bothersome for those men who aren't trying to compete with their mates. This behavior takes many forms. Some women who engage in power struggles with their mates do it through career competition: who can make the most money or get the most prestige? For some the competition is based upon education level: who has the most advanced degree from the most prestigious school?
Another form of engaging in a power struggle is competing in disagreements: who gets the last word in? In addition to those power struggles.
I know this list is going to make the tempers of some women flare. But remember, this isn't a list of complaints. It's information intended to give women insight into what men are thinking; it's a bridge across the communication gap.
Excerpt from his book Brothers, Lust & Love: Thoughts on Manhood, Sex and Romance
Copyright © 1998 by Will July II
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